| Opening Sequence - Blimp Flies By |
| [Open Act 1, Roz's booth. Kenny, Roz, and Frasier are listening to a tape deck] |
| Dr. Zach: |
[Man on tape] Janet from North Seattle, you're in bed with Dr. Zach. |
| Roz: | Oh, yeah. |
| Dr. Zach: | How can I make you feel better? |
| [Roz Laughs] |
| Janet: | My husband isn't the man he used to be, if you know what I mean...It's ruining our marriage. |
| Dr. Zach: | Are you sure it's just his fault? The signs on "Love Street" don't all point one way. |
| [Roz and Frasier laugh] |
| Frasier: | Come on...[to Roz] This is the competition? Dr. Zach? Please, it's nothing but suggestive, smarmy sleeze. |
| Roz: | And he's great at it. |
| Frasier: | Roz...You know what, I give this guy four, five weeks tops. |
| Kenny: | He's been on the air ten weeks, and frankly, we're gettin' spanked. |
| Roz: | Ooh, he did a whole show on that yesterday. |
| Frasier: | Oh, stop it. So, well, alright, he's the new flavor of the month. We've seen them come and go before; Dr. Mary, Professor Hugs, "On the Couch," with Jeff and Lars... [Frasier walks to his booth, Kenny follows] |
| Kenny: | I dunno Doc, I think this guy's got stayin' power. |
| Roz: | Ooh, he did a whole show on that Tuesday. |
| Frasier: |
[over Roz] Cut it out Roz! |
| Kenny: | Hey, you know, maybe we should try some of those theme shows. |
| Frasier: | You know what, actually we have done theme shows...you know I still get letters about the, the show we did on existential angst! |
| Roz: | No we don't. |
| Frasier: | I get them at home. |
| [Roz exits to her booth] |
| Kenny: | Well I'm just sayin' it wouldn't hurt to spice things up a little, you know, [under breath] mention people's privates once in a while. |
| Frasier: | [Exhales] Absolutely not, my show is fine the way it is. What it needs is a little more support from this station. How about some advertising?? |
| Kenny: | Woah, woah, woah, I don't wanna just throw money at the problem. |
| Roz: |
[in her booth] Thirty seconds, Frasier. |
| Frasier: | Right, right. [To Kenny] Well then, how about airing some more promos on my lead in, I mean, they get a sizable audience. |
| Kenny: | Yeah, they do, thats why we're moving them to evening drive time. |
| Frasier: | You mean I'm their lead in now? |
| Kenny: | Yeah. They're not too happy about it. |
| Roz: | And we're back with the final hour of "The Frasier Crane Show." Our next caller is Garth from Mercer Island. |
| Frasier: | Go ahead Garth, I'm listening. |
| Garth: | See, this is kind of weird talking about to a psychiatrist, but it is something couples go through, and since I'm not using my real name, maybe it's OK. [Frasier turns to Kenny, who gives the thumbs up] It's...our household budget. |
| [Kenny waves it off, exits] |
| [End Scene] |
| [Open Scene, Frasier's apartment, Niles and Martin seated at dining table, Daphne between them] |
| Martin: | We need more sausage, Daph. |
| Daphne: | I told you five minutes ago, you're cut off. |
| Martin: | Ahh, c'mon, I'm being good, I took my cholesterol pill. |
| Daphne: | Yes, and that was the last one. You'd better call Dr. Stewart. |
| Martin: | [Unhappy] Ohh, he'll make me go through a whole physical just to get a refill. [Daphne exits to kitchen] Hey Niles, couldn't you write me a prescription? |
| Niles: | Oh, I can't Dad, sorry. |
| Martin: | Why not? |
| Niles: | I don't have your chart; I'm not familiar with your medical history. |
| Martin: | Ahh, c'mon, you see me every day, you know I'm fine. Just get your little pad out and write "more pills." |
| Niles: | What's the big deal, why do you hate going to the doctor so much? |
| [Daphne returns with orange juice pitcher] |
| Martin: | Everybody does... |
| Daphne: | Not my brother Billy. He loved going to the doctor's. From the time he was a little boy, he'd start getting undressed in the car. [Martin rolls eyes] And mind you, that was just for the dentist. As he got older, he volunteered for medical studies. [Returning to kitchen] Supported himself by getting all sorts of experimental drugs pumped into him. |
| Martin: | Think she's finished? |
| Niles: | Wait for it... |
| Daphne: | [Returning with toast] One year, he grew little boobies. |
| [Frasier enters living room from hall] |
| Niles: | Hey there. |
| Frasier: | Ah, hello all. [Approaches table, pauses, picks up newspaper] Can you believe this? A full page ad! |
| Daphne: | [Reading paper over Frasier's shoulder] "Cuddle up with Dr. Zach?" |
| Frasier: | Yes. As if an airbrushed picture of a pretty-boy has anything to do with effective therapy. |
| Daphne: | He is awfully cute. |
| Niles: | Yet not so much that you hate him for it. |
| Frasier: | [Grabbing paper from Martin] All right, you know, that's the reason I keep losing to him in the ratings. His station keeps flooding the marketplace with this useless trite. It's my turn now. I'm going to call my agent. Let her earn her ten percent. Tell you what, once Bebe gets through with the station my face will be splattered all over this city. |
| Daphne: | That Bebe is a monster, I don't know why you chose her. |
| Niles: | I don't know what possessed you. Oh, right, she did. |
| Frasier: | Yes, Bebe's evil but she's my evil. |
| Martin: | Better bring a newborn baby in case she gets hungry. |
| Niles: | Frasier, all this over a picture in the paper...It seems a little petty. |
| Frasier: | It is not petty! It's about getting my due as a respected member of this community, and as a titan of Seattle radio psychiatry. [Scribbling on newspaper] Ha, yeah, you're not so pretty with a mustache and a hairy mole now are ya!? |
| [End Scene] |
| [Open Scene, Bebe's office waiting room] |
| Bebe: | Frasier Crane! I wish my eyes were sore so you could be a sight for them! |
| Frasier: | Thank you Bebe, thank you for seeing me on such short notice. |
| Bebe: | Oh, there's no such thing as short notice for my favorite client. [To assistant, Portia] Get Dr. Crane some coffee please. So, [entering office, closing door] |
| Frasier: | Well, umm, actually, umm, KACL is not doing all it should to promote my show. |
| Bebe: | Say no more. We'll put the fear of God into 'em. We'll hold their feet to the fire 'till their skin crackles! |
| Frasier: | Ohh, thank you Bebe, I knew I could count on you. |
| Bebe: | Well, it won't be me personally. I think now is the time to unleash the newest member of team Crane. |
| Frasier: | What do you mean? |
| Bebe: | Well, you've become too big to be served by the efforts of one adoring mortal. That's why I'm bringing on more firepower! |
| Frasier: | Ooh, I like the sound of that! |
| Bebe: | I thought you might. Frasier, meet your new agent, Portia Sanders. |
| Portia: | [Extends hand] Pleased to meet you. |
| Frasier: | [confused, shakes hand] Well, uhh, we've met. Several hundred times. [To Bebe] This is your assistant. |
| Bebe: | Not anymore, now she's a full fledged junior agent. |
| Frasier: | She brings me coffee. |
| Bebe: | She'll bring you Juan Valdez on a donkey if that's what you want. |
| Portia: | I thought we should start by scheduling a meeting to get more acquainted. |
| Frasier: | We've met! |
| Portia: | You've only met Portia the assistant, the girl who's spent the past four years answering phones and getting your coffee just right. Well, Portia the agent plans to take that same attention to detail when representing you. |
| Frasier: | I'm sorry but...you've never gotten my coffee right. |
| Portia: | You never said anything before. |
| Frasier: | Yes, I have, every time. |
| Bebe: | Portia, will you give us a minute? |
| Portia: | Is this about me? Because I would love the opportunity to address any concerns. |
| Bebe: | Just...go outside. |
| Portia: | I'll be outside if you need me. |
| Frasier: | Yes, yes, that's good to know. |
| [Portia exits] |
| Bebe: | Seems innocent, doesn't she. Almost naiive. That's the quality that sets the trap. Then when she's lulled her prey she pounces, pounces like a tigress... |
| Frasier: | [Interrupting] OK, what's going on here? Are you fobbing me off? |
| Bebe: | Ouch. Do you want the knife back or shall I just keep it in my heart? Portia will merely be looking after the day to day details, freeing me up for the big picture. |
| Frasier: | Really? |
| Bebe: | Of course. You are the rock upon which this agency is founded, upon which we continue to thrive. |
| [Dr. Zach enters] |
| Dr. Zach: | Oh, sorry to interrupt Bebe, but we've got reservations at 1 o'clock. |
| Frasier: | Dr. Zach!?! [To Bebe] What is he doing here? |
| Bebe: | Dr. Who? I'm confused, who are you? |
| Frasier: | For God's sake, Bebe! |
| Bebe: | [Pushing Dr. Zach out the door] You were supposed to meet me in the restaurant, whoever you are! |
| Frasier: | Bebe, how could you? I feel so betrayed. |
| Bebe: | And I am just as outraged as you are! |
| Frasier: | You know, I see what's going on here. You're trying to pass me off to your assistant so you can devote your full attention to your new number one client. |
| Bebe: | Nonsense, there is no one more important to me than you. |
| Frasier: | [pause] Then let him have the junior agent. |
| Bebe: | Frasier. We have done great things, you and I. We've climbed this mountain together and planted your flag. Now I've discovered another young man who...wants to plant his flag. Would you deny me the chance to share in that adventure? |
| Frasier: | Yes. |
| Bebe: | Oh, come on, don't be selfish, you'll be fine with Portia! Don't forget, she reports directly to me. |
| Frasier: | Bebe. Throughout our relationship, I have put up with a lot. But I never doubted for an instant your devotion to my career. Apparently, that is at an end. And so, therefore, is my association with this agency. And, screw, may I add, you! [exits to waiting room, slams door] |
| Portia: | I was thinking we could have that meeting next Tuesday. |
| Frasier: | [Exiting waiting room] We have met! |
| [End Scene/Act] |
| [Open Scene] "In Martin's Defense, Eddie Ate Some Too" |
| [Frasier enters his apartment, Martin seated in his chair, Niles pouring sherry] |
| Martin: | Hey Fras, you just missed your new agent, she sent those [motions to gift basket on table]. |
| Frasier: | I didn't miss her. I was hiding in the stairwell till she left. And Portia is not my new agent. She is Bebe's minion. Her little winged monkey. The woman has been hounding me; you know I had to turn off my cell phone, God only knows how she got my new number. |
| Daphne: | [Enters from her bedroom hall] Oh, Dr. Crane? Did the woman from the Publisher's Clearing House reach you? She seemed quite insistent. |
| Martin: | Wow, she sounds like a real go-getter. |
| Frasier: | I don't care if she is. It'll be a cold day in hell before I go back to Bebe's agency. |
| Martin: | Well, uhh, you're not going to send back the flowers and muffins are ya? |
| Frasier: | I don't see any muffins. |
| Martin: | I mean...if she had sent any muffins... |
| Frasier: | Don't worry Dad, there will be muffins aplenty. Now that I am agentless, the word will spread like wildfire. You be prepared for this phone to start ringing right off the hook. |
| [Pause; Martin, Niles, and Daphne wait for phone to ring] |
| Frasier: | I didn't mean literally. |
| Daphne: | I know, but how great would that have been, you say "phone's going to start ringing" and boom. |
| Frasier: | Yes, yes, yes. The truth is, I'm excited. I'm excited about having a new agent. I'm excited about being excited about my career again. |
| [Phone rings] |
| Daphne: | Oohh, so close. |
| Frasier: | And so it begins. The sharks smell Crane in the water. Let's just see which one of them's hungriest, shall we? [Answers phone] Hello? Yes, could you hold on for just one moment please? [Handing phone to Martin] It's for you Dad. |
| Martin: | Oh, thanks. Hello? Oh, hi Dr. Stewart, thanks for calling me back. Um, I was hoping you could refill my prescription without me coming in to the office. [Pause] Oh, come on Doc, my son's a doctor and he says I look fine. [Pause] A psychiatrist. [Pause] OK, OK, I'll be in there tomorrow, bye. [To Niles] I hope you're satisfied. |
| Niles: | Oh, Dad, we've discussed this. I'm happy to drive you to the doctor, but I can't just write you a prescription. I would never violate my ethics like that. D'you ask Frasier? |
| Martin: | Yeah, gives me the same old baloney you do. Look, I've been taking this medicine for four years Niles, I don't need an exam, I just need a refill. |
| Niles: | No! |
| Daphne: | Here's a thought. Niles, you're a doctor. Why don't you give your father a full medical examination, that way you'll both be satisfied. |
| [Long pause, Niles and Martin look at each other] |
| Martin: | [To Niles] Can you pick me up at one? |
| Niles: | Yeah. |
| [End Scene] |
| [Open Scene, Frasier's Booth, Roz behind glass in her booth, Frasier's voice on radio. Portia enters Roz's booth] |
| Portia: | Knock, knock. I'm looking for Frasier? |
| Roz: | Oh, he's not working today. |
| Portia: | Then why am I hearing his show? |
| Roz: | We play the "Best of Crane" on Wednesdays. |
| Portia: | Ohh. Well would you please ask him to call Portia. It's really important. |
| Roz: | Sure. [Roz watches Portia exit, taps on glass. Frasier emerges from under his desk. |
| Frasier: | ...But you and your husband won't get anywhere until you confront your problems head on. We'll be right back, Seattle, after the news. |
| Roz: | [Entering Frasier's booth] Can't dodge her forever. |
| Frasier: | I won't have to Roz, as soon as I have a new agent. Have there been any calls? |
| Roz: | Nope, sorry. |
| Frasier: | What? What the hell is going on? I mean surely someone would be interested in representing me? I still have a viable career, even if, arguably, it may or may not be going through what might be percieved by some as a tiny lul. |
| Portia: | [Entering from Roz's booth] There you are! [Frasier slides his chair back in alarm] I was leaving you a note on the windshield of your car and I said to myself, "His car's here, so he's here, so why am I leaving a note on his windshield?" Here. [Hands Frasier note] |
| Frasier: | Portia. I'm sure you're a lovely person, and I applaud your effort to find a new career, but not at the expense of my own. |
| Portia: | You haven't heard my ideas yet. |
| Frasier: | Nor will I. How can I make this any clearer to you. You are not my agent. You're not going to be my agent. Not now, not ever. So go practice on someone else's time, and leave me alone. |
| [Portia exits] |
| Roz: | That was brutal. |
| Frasier: | Don't worry Roz, I'll be OK. |
| Roz: | She seems very persistent. That's not such a horrible thing to have in an agent. |
| Frasier: | I'd rather have no agent at all then let Bebe win. [Pause] You know, that's not such a bad idea. I don't need an agent, I can represent myself. I mean, I have some insight into the human mind. I think that would be helpful in negotiations. My God, I should have thought of this sooner! Just think of the money I could save! |
| Roz: | Isn't that what you said when you cut your own hair? |
| Frasier: | No! That was just an emotional response to an unruly cowlick. |
| Roz: | OK, fine. So, you represent Frasier Crane. Now what? |
| Frasier: | Well, for one, I'll do what Bebe couldn't do. I'll get Kenny to boost the advertising budget for our show. [Taps on glass to outer hall, where Kenny is walking] |
| Roz: | Yeah, well, you already asked him that and he said no. |
| Frasier: | Yes, but that was Dr. Frasier Crane asking him. Now, it's Agent Crane, "licensed to charm." |
| [Kenny enters from hall] |
| Kenny: | What is it Doc? Is this about promos? |
| Frasier: | No, [laughing, turning to Roz] would you believe this guy? [Roz and Frasier laugh] No, Kenny, I've been thinking, you know, I think it's high time that you and I got together outside of the workplace. So, there's a little club downtown that I go to. How would you like to join me tomorrow for a little uhh, little massage, a little steam, ehh? What'dya say? |
| Kenny: | Are you kiddin'? I'm front and center with a fist full of singles! |
| Frasier: | [Laughing] Kenny, it's not that kind of club. |
| Kenny: | Oh. Fives? |
| Roz: | [to Kenny] What is wrong with you? |
| Frasier: | [to Kenny] It's an athletic club, with squash courts and a swimming pool. |
| Kenny: | Right. [Exiting, winks] Gotcha. |
| [End Scene] |
| [Open Scene, Niles and Martin in Niles's car] |
| Martin: | [Snorts] I'm sure you're happy. You're not going to be spending the next hour sittin' bare-assed on some cold steel table. |
| Niles: | And neither are you, ya big baby. I'm sorry, I'd help if I could Dad, but I swore an oath. [Police siren wails] Ohh, I wonder what this is about. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. [Officer approaches driver's window] Good afternoon officer; I didn't do anything wrong, did I? |
| Martin: | Actually son, you made an illegal left turn back there. |
| Niles: | Thank you Dad. |
| Officer: | License and registration, please. [Reaches into glovebox] You know, officer, my father here is no stranger to the rules of the road, isn't that right Dad? [Martin shrugs] Yes sir, he is intimately acquainted with lady law, aren't ya Dad? |
| Martin: | Just a concerned citizen. |
| Officer: | I'll be right back. [Returns to squad car] |
| Niles: | [Looking at Martin] Why didn't you flash your badge and get me out of a ticket? |
| Martin: | Well, I would have Niles, but I took an oath too. However, if you were to take out that prescription pad... |
| Niles: | Are you blackmailing your own son? |
| Martin: | I'd write fast, there's nothing I can do once he writes that ticket. [Niles quickly takes out pad and begins to write, Martin opens window] Officer? [Officer returns to driver's window] |
| Officer: | Yes? |
| Martin: | Uhh, yeah, officer, umm [handing badge to officer] I was wondering if maybe you could give my son a break. I don't think he'll be doing that again. |
| Officer: | Well, ahh, I guess this time I can let it slide. [To Niles] Drive carefully. |
| Niles: | Oh, I will, thank you sir. [Officer exits, Niles exhales, Martin laughs] What? |
| Martin: | I got news for you. You didn't make an illegal left turn. That's a buddy of mine, I set the whole thing up to get you to write me my prescription. |
| Niles: | I've got news for you. I just drew you a picture of a dog. [Martin pulls out the note] Rrrooff! |
| [End Scene] |
| [Open Scene, Spa locker room, Frasier and Kenny emerge from showers] |
| Frasier: | So, what'd you think? |
| Kenny: | [Sighs] I could get addicted to that! What was that stuff? |
| Frasier: | Steam! |
| Kenny: | Ahh, it felt so great! Everything is great here. I can't believe I've never heard of this place. They should advertise or somethin'. |
| Frasier: | You know, speaking of advertising...I think our recent dip in the ratings is due to a lack of advertising. |
| Kenny: | Ohhh, what's to advertise, Doc? Your show's nine years old. Unless there's some new angle to promote, it's money better spent elsewhere. Now if you'll excuse me, I noticed a basket of free combs by the sink. [Exits] |
| [Fraiser turns to his locker, Portia enters] |
| Portia: | Dr. Crane. |
| Frasier: | [Alarmed] Portia, what the hell are you doing here? This is a private club, and a men's locker room, get out! |
| Portia: | Not until you give me a chance. |
| Frasier: | Look, I have told you, I'm not interested. |
| [Kenny enters, opens locker] |
| Kenny: | Hey Doc, can I borrow your roll-on, I left mine at home. [Turns, sees Portia] Hey! |
| Portia: | You must be Kenny Daly. I'm Portia Sanders, Frasier's agent. |
| Frasier: | She is not my agent. |
| Kenny: | I'm naked. |
| Portia: | How much are you prepared to increase this man's advertising budget? |
| Kenny: | Zero...and again, naked. |
| Frasier: | Kenny, look, I apologise for this. Portia, you're leaving! |
| Portia: | Not until he hears me out! |
| Kenny: | Well forget it, I'm outta here. [Portia steals Kenny's pants] Hey! What are you doin'? |
| Portia: | Taking your pants. You'll get them back when I'm finished. OK. You're saving a few bucks on advertising, but with a little investment now, you could make a bundle when we syndicate! |
| Kenny: | Are you kiddin'? Who's gonna want to syndicate Frasier? |
| Frasier: | Hey! |
| Kenny: | No offense Doc... |
| Frasier: | I take offense... |
| [Frasier and Kenny squabble] |
| Portia: | [Shouting] All right, sit down, and listen up! [Kenny and Frasier stop talking, both sit] Legs together! [They put their legs together, pause, Portia continues, quieter] All right. Maybe you two don't see the potential for syndication, but I do. Sure, the big markets are harder to crack, but we'll start smaller. KPCD in Medford, KBAB in Boise. They're both changing their formats. After the beginning of the year, they're going to need new programming. Soon, we'll have a vast and viable audience. Think of it. The obsessive compulsive on his tractor, the bipolar cop on his beat. The soccer mom seething with rage. And they're all out there across this great land of ours, waiting for you to help them! |
| Frasier: | I've always thought that! |
| Portia: | Yes! [To Kenny] But I can't do any of this unless you start backing us up with some advertising! [To Frasier] And you! You've gotta be ready to schmooze every station manager from Portland to the other Portland! I'm hungry for this. I need you both to be as hungry as I am! Are you hungry? |
| Frasier: | [Jumps up] I'm starving! |
| Kenny: | [Stands] Me too! |
| Portia: | Great! Call my office Monday morning and we'll go over the details. [Exits, with Kenny's pants] |
| Frasier: | Wow! [Pause] That was my very first locker room pep talk! |
| Kenny: | Mine too! |
| Frasier: | She took you're pants, you know! |
| Kenny: | I know! |
| [End Scene/Act] |