[5.2]The Gift Horse
The Gift Horse Written by Ron Darian
Directed by Pamela Fryman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 5.2.
Original Airdate on NBC: 30th September 1997
Transcript written on 28th July 2000
Transcript revised on 12th August 2000
Transcript revised 2nd on 28th November 2002
Sherry Dempsey Episodes
- [4.09] Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine
- [4.11] Three Days of The Condo
- [4.19] Three Dates And A Breakup [1]
- [4.20] Three Dates And A Breakup [2]
- [4.21] Daphne Hates Sherry
Transcript {nick hartley}
[Act One]
[Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Frasier is standing in the café when Roz enters.]
Frasier: Oh, good morning, Roz.
Roz: Good morning.
[Roz starts to kiss Frasier passionately. He struggles free after a
while.]
Frasier: What the hell was that?
Roz: [looks around] Oh, shoot! He's not even here!
Frasier: [wiping off kiss] Who?
Roz: Do you remember that guy who dumped me last month? I thought
he was right behind me. I just wanted him to see me with
another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am!
Frasier: Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we get
married and have some children, that will really fix his
wagon!
Roz: You might remember him, Stan?
Frasier: [thinks] Stan? The smug stockbroker who kept calling me
"Frazer?"
Roz: Oh yeah, that's the one. One minute, we're hot an'
heavy and then he stops calling. It's so humiliating when
someone treats you like you don't even exist.
Frasier: [not listening to her] How can someone not hear the
difference between "Frasier" and "Frazer"?
Roz: Yeah, that's what bugged me the most too! [to waiter] I'll
have an espresso to go, please.
Frasier: Oh, oh, Roz, I almost forgot, here's the invitation to my
dad's birthday party. Sherry's giving it, so please excuse
the elegant verse, but...
[Frasier hands it over.]
Roz: [reads] "Come one, Come all, To jump and jive, Marty Crane's
turning sex-ty-five!"
[She notices Stan enter the Café.]
Roz: Oh my God, here he is. Please?
Frasier: Oh, all right.
[Frasier and Roz start kissing passionately which turns Stan away.
They keep on kissing, not noticing Niles enter the Cafe.]
Niles: Hello.
[Startled, Frasier breaks away from Roz, who continues the charade
by keeping her arms around him and nuzzling his neck.]
Frasier: Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You
see, her ex-boyfriend was just... [off her nuzzling] Oh, just
stop that!
Niles: Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next
meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just
be me and the archbishop!
Roz: I'll save you the club fees.
Niles: What-?
[Roz kisses Niles and exits, leaving him somewhat philosophical.]
Niles: Everyone kisses better than Maris!
[Frasier and Niles move to a table.]
Frasier: [to waiter] Can I get one of the same for Dr. Crane, please?
[sits with Niles]
Niles: I'm sorry I'm late, I was shopping for Dad's present.
Frasier: Oh, it's all right, Niles. I did a bit of that myself this
morning. I found a lovely little calfskin wallet with a
matching key case.
Niles: Oh. Well, bravo, Frasier.
Frasier: Yes, and it was a full twenty dollars below our agreed-upon
spending limit.
Niles: Oh, I'm so glad we agreed to rein ourselves in this year.
Frasier: Oh God, me too. Finally to do away with our annual contest
to see who could give dad the most lavish gift.
Niles: I think the competition had gotten a bit... er, what is the
best word for it?
Frasier: Extreme.
Niles: No, childish.
Frasier: Gaudy.
Niles: Crass.
Frasier: Obscene.
Niles: Baroque.
Frasier: Stop it! So, what did you get him?
Niles: Oh, just some... beer.
Frasier: Well, we're not exactly bumping our heads on that spending
ceiling, are we?
Niles: [laughs] It's a bit fancier than that. It's a membership in
a beer club. They deliver a case from a different micro
brewery every month.
Frasier: You know, I looked into those clubs, they're rather
expensive.
Niles: Oh, not really. I'm right at our limit. Maybe with taxes
and handling I'm a drop or two over.
Frasier: How big a drop?
Niles: Just, er... a hundred dollars over.
Frasier: That's not a drop, it's a downpour!
Niles: It's a dribble.
Frasier: It's a deluge!
Niles: It's a...
Frasier: Stop it!
Niles: Oh, why don't you just stick a hundred dollars in that
wallet of yours and we'll call it even.
Frasier: Well, frankly, I don't need to buy dad's love. You've opted
to violate our agreement, so be it. I have a gift, you have
a gift.
Niles: Fine.
Frasier: Big baby!
[Frasier and Niles look away from each other.]
[Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier is seated reading the newspaper as Eddie stares up at him.]
Frasier: Stare all you like. You will not distract me from my paper.
You see, your efforts are futile, I can't even see you.
[Frasier holds the paper up in front of him. Eddie, however, just
keeps jumping into view over the paper. Frasier, in agitation, folds
the paper up and exits with Eddie to the kitchen. Daphne and Niles
then enter carrying shopping bags.]
Niles: It seems so unhealthy. Is she going to serve anything at
Dad's party but meat?
Daphne: Sherry says that's what he and his old cronies like best.
With drinks, she's serving cocktail franks. For appetisers,
we're having a sausage medley. And for the main course
there's a choice of meat loaf or meat balls.
Niles: I assume these colourful balloons are for the between course
angioplasty!
[Sherry enters and notices them as Frasier re-enters.]
Sherry: Did you get everything, Daphne?
Daphne: Oh, yes, I think so.
Sherry: Good news, I found a guy who can sculpt an exact replica of
Marty's old police badge out of six pounds of liverwurst.
Frasier: Oh, how reminiscent of the cream cheese gavel they gave
Thurgood Marshall on his eightieth!
[Martin enters holding a photo as Daphne exits to her room.]
Martin: Oh, we can't use this photograph, it's too embarrassing.
Sherry: [laughs] That's exactly why we're using it. I'm decorating
the whole party with old pictures of Marty from the force.
Martin: Well, we can't use this one of me at the morgue; it's too
disturbing.
[Niles takes a look.]
Niles: You're right, I totally forgot you even had a perm!
Martin: Oh, God, I can't wait to see this guy again. Mickey Doogan.
We rode mounted patrol together.
Sherry: Oh, look at you. You look so big and handsome on your horse.
[looks at another] Oh my God, when was this taken?
Martin: April Fools' Day.
Frasier: [looks] Oh, yes, yes, that would explain why your horses are
wearing brassieres.
Martin: Oh God, I loved that horse. Old Agides and I were together
for eight years. Best partner I ever had.
Sherry: Oh, we should get going.
Martin: Okay.
Sherry: Marty, where ever did you find a bra that could fit a horse?
Martin: Oh, Mickey brought it in from home. Mae Doogan was a lot of
things, but petite she wasn't! I'll point her out to you at
the party.
Sherry: Honey, if that's her bra, I can spot her myself.
[Martin and Sherry exit.]
Frasier: Well, er, sherry, Niles?
Niles: Oooh... [looks at watch] ...no, thanks, I've got a session.
Frasier: Ah. [pours himself one]
[Daphne enters with a box and wrapping paper]
Daphne: Dr. Crane, is your father gone?
Frasier: Yes, he has.
Daphne: Good, then I'll wrap his present. They fit fine in this box.
Frasier: Great, Daphne, off you go.
Niles: Wait a minute. That box is awfully big for what you got him.
Daphne: No, it isn't.
Frasier: Ah, Daphne...
Daphne: Your binoculars fit just perfectly in here!
Niles: You told me you got him a wallet and a key case!
Daphne: Oh, no, not this again! It's the same nonsense every year.
Frasier: Well, not this year. We'd actually agreed to a spending
limit until someone else exceeded it.
Niles: All right, all right. Guilty as charged. We've each violated
the pact once. Now let's stop before this madness gets out
of hand.
Frasier: Well, if you ask me, your gifts compliment each other
perfectly.
Niles: Em, Daphne... [puts a finger to his lips]
Daphne: Your binoculars and your football tickets.
Frasier: Tickets?
Daphne: ["Uh-oh..."] Season tickets to the Seahawks.
Frasier: I don't believe you! You already had a better gift than
mine, you still saw the need to take it to a higher level.
Niles: Only because I knew you were going to upgrade that wallet,
which you did!
Frasier: All right, enough is enough. I quit, I'm throwing in the
towel.
Niles: Oh, and why should I believe you?
Frasier: Because this is a receipt for the binoculars, this should
prove to you that I have no intention of returning them in
order to get a better gift. [tears it up] There.
Niles: Well, that's very big of you. I'm late for my session. If
it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those
tickets are. I was hoping to get something on the first two
yard lines but I could only get ones way back on the
fiftieth!
[Niles shrugs innocently and exits.]
[N.B. Being on the fiftieth yard line means you are seated right next
to the center of the field, at the bottom of the stands next to the
green - the best seats in the stadium. However, Niles is no doubt
ignorant of this, so his innocence must be genuine.]
Daphne: Well, I'm very proud of you, Dr. Crane. I...
Frasier: Oh, stop babbling, Daphne, and bring me some tape!
[Daphne rolls her eyes.]
COME AGAIN WHEN YOU
CAN'T STAY SO LONG
[Scene Three - Café Nervosa.
Sherry and Daphne are sat running through Martin's upcoming party.]
Daphne: Okay, the keg of beer will be there by six. I also confirmed
the band, ordered the cake, filled out the place cards,
picked up the humourous cocktail napkins and I'm almost done
making the centerpieces.
Sherry: [sighs] Oh, this party is just going to wear me out!
[Niles enters.]
Niles: Hello, Daphne, Sherry. [to waitress] Double Latte, please.
[sits] Is Frasier with you?
Sherry: No, he's out shopping for your dad.
Niles: That jackal!
[Niles jumps to his feet and dashes out of the Café.]
Sherry: What was that all about?
Daphne: Brother snit. Don't ask.
Sherry: I forgot to tell you. I found this fabulous photograph of
Marty arresting some guy. I had it blown up to life size,
then I cut out the crook's face so people could stick their
heads through and have a snap shot of Marty reading them
their rights. Don't you just love it?
Daphne: It depends. Do I have to pick it up?
Sherry: By five, you're a doll!
[Frasier enters with a shopping bag and greets them.]
Daphne: Dr. Crane, did you find something?
Frasier: Yes, I did. It took me most of the afternoon but I finally
came up with something I think is just about perfect!
[The waitress brings Niles's coffee as Frasier sits.]
Sherry: Oh, Niles forgot his coffee.
Frasier: Niles was here?
Sherry: Yes, but you know, when I mentioned that you were out
shopping for your dad he just shot out of here like a
bullet!
Frasier: That little worm!
[Frasier grabs his shopping bag and exits.]
[Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne is seated on the couch reading, her feet on the table.
Frasier enters as she quickly lowers them. His jacket is slung
over his shoulder and he looks exhausted.]
Daphne: Dr. Crane, are you all right?
Frasier: No, I am not. I've combed the entire city trying to find a
gift - but nothing is better than what Niles got him.
Daphne: What did your brother get him?
Frasier: I don't know. I'm sure it's something any father would just
love.
[Martin enters from his room.]
Martin: Why, you know the best thing about turning sixty-five?
Everybody wants to buy you dinner! [laughs]
Daphne: Mr. Crane, you've left your top button unbuttoned.
Martin: Oh, yeah, that's because Duke's taking me to Hoppy's Old
Heidelberg. You know, if I don't unbutton it now, it might
fly off and hurt somebody!
Frasier: Enjoy, Dad.
Martin: Oh, yeah, I will. I gotta tell 'ya, I'm loving this
birthday. All of a sudden my money's no good. Last night,
Ed Flannagan bought the whole bar a round in my honour.
Frasier: Who's Ed Flannagan?
Martin: That's what I asked! Anyway, what are you doing tonight,
Fras'?
Frasier: Er, nothing much. I've got some shopping to do.
Martin: Oh, for anybody we know? [laughs] You know, Fras', every
year, you and Niles, you go overboard trying to find these
great presents for me and I've got to be honest, it's always
made me kind of uncomfortable.
Frasier: [relieved] Really?
Martin: Yeah. So this year, I just wanted you to know... I'm over
it! So, go crazy, you only turn sixty-five once!
[Martin exits. Frasier stands up, puts his head in his arms and
collapses onto his father's chair.]
Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, the last thing I want to do is
encourage more competition between you and your brother.
[goes to him] But if you really want to make your father
happy, maybe the time has come...
Frasier: Oh, don't even say it!
Daphne: But it's the only thing he's ever asked for!
Frasier: No! God, it'll ruin my apartment, my life! I can't, I won't,
I mustn't!
Daphne: It's over, Dr. Crane.
[Frasier cries into her arms.]
[Scene Five - Frasier's Apartment.
We see the back of a huge monstrosity of some kind. The camera raises
to its peak (which is basically at the roof of the apartment) and
shows Frasier and Daphne sitting on Martin's chair, looking up,
awestruck, at the mother of all- ]
Daphne: That is one big-screen TV. He's going to love it!
Frasier: [in tears] I know!
[Daphne nurses Frasier.]
[End of Act One]
[Act Two]
[Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
We resume the scene. Daphne is cleaning the big-screen television as
Frasier looks on.]
Frasier: Perhaps I'm panicking needlessly. It just needs a little
dressing-up, really. You know, I'll just arrange these
plants here at the base. [he does]
Daphne: Yes, you always said you needed more greenery in here.
Frasier: Yes, maybe an objet or two on top. Yes, yes, this little
bud vase, here.
[Frasier puts a rose vase on the top and admires it, giving a little
Bette Davis shrug.]
Frasier: [denial] That makes a world of difference, doesn't it?
Daphne: [acting] Oh, sure it does, Dr. Crane. All the difference in
the world!
Frasier: [falling to bits] Oh, it's ghastly! [doorbell sounds] Oh
God, you just don't put a smear of lipstick on the Bride of
Frankenstein and turn her into a trophy wife, do you?!
[Frasier opens the door to Niles.]
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier, are you ready? We told dad we'd pick him up at...
[Niles notices the eyesore. He is speechless as Frasier watches him
in some sort of jealous pride.]
Niles: Oh my God, you didn't?!
Frasier: Didn't what? You mean buy dad this television set? Of course I
did! Ah, it's impressive, isn't it?
Niles: I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths
to top me... Frasier, you have lain waste to your apartment
with this eyesore!
Frasier: I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture
window to a world of art and culture. Just think how a
screen this size will enhance the majesty of the
Metropolitan Opera. Or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi!
Niles: You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself!
Frasier: Oh, you're right, it's dreadful, isn't it! But you know,
it's worth it, just to imagine the smile it'll put on dad's
face, not to mention the pleasure of watching you twist and
writhe in envy. [pause] You're not twisting and writhing!
Niles: I'm sorry, my mind wandered. I was remembering Dad waxing
nostalgic the other day about his beloved old horse, Agides.
Frasier: Oh, don't try to change the subject, Niles, you've lost,
admit it!
Niles: He certainly did love that horse.
Frasier: You can only live in denial for so long before you...
[Frasier gasps in sudden realisation.]
Frasier: You didn't?!
Niles: Didn't what? Buy the horse? Sorry, did!
Frasier: Oh! ... Oh... how could you?!
Niles: I've already set him up in a handsome stable. Dad can visit
him anytime he wants, which reminds me, I'd like to swing by
the stable on the way to the party so dad can- [laughs] look
his gift horse in the mouth!
Frasier: Ah, all right, Niles. What else can I do? I give up! You
win. You have found the one gift that can't be trumped.
[The doorbell sounds as Daphne goes to get it.]
Niles: Thank you, Frasier. You're a gracious loser.
Frasier: Still, on the bright side, I know dad will love this set.
He really will. And already it doesn't seem quite as
intrusive as it did when it first got here.
[Daphne opens the door to some workers wielding enormous dynamo
speakers.]
Daphne: Right this way.
Frasier: [in horror] What are those?
Daphne: Your speakers.
[Frasier buries his head. Niles comforts him.]
SURE, BUT CAN HE
DO LONG DIVISION?
[Scene Two - Horse Stables.
Frasier and Niles lead a blindfolded Martin into the stables.]
Niles: So, dad, any idea where you are?
Martin: Oh, it's so mysterious. Hay under foot, stable smells, that
saddle we just tripped over... I mean, we could be anywhere!
Niles: All right, all right.
[Niles takes his blindfold off.]
Martin: What?
Niles: Voila! [motioning to horse] Happy birthday.
[Martin is shown to a horse in a pen. "AGIDES" entitles it. Martin
and Niles react as Frasier stays at the back of the stable in jealous
anger.]
Martin: Agides! Hey, buddy, how are you doing? Oh, long-time-no-see.
[to Niles] What's going on?
Niles: He's yours, dad.
Martin: What?
Niles: I bought him for you.
Martin: You're kidding me, I can't believe it!
Niles: You can visit him anytime you want.
Martin: This is amazing. [to Agides] How've you been, buddy, huh?
Hey, one plus one equals?
[Agides kicks the stable door twice.]
Martin: He remembers!
Niles: I figured it was a long shot when I called but they were a
week away from putting him out to pasture, so I set him up
here at Brier Wood, it's the most exclusive stable in town.
Don't be surprised if you spy a certain resident trotting by
wearing his triple crown.
Frasier: They don't give them actual crowns, you twit! [pause] Well,
come on, Dad, you don't want to be late for the party, I'm
sure Sherry's getting warm in that cake!
[Martin seems entranced by the horse.]
Frasier: Dad?
Martin: Huh?
Frasier: Don't want to be late.
Niles: Are you all right, dad?
Martin: Yeah, I'm fine.
Frasier: Are you sure?
Martin: Yeah, I said I was fine. Now, come on, let's go to my party.
[They start to exit.]
Frasier: Is there something you'd like to talk about?
Martin: Oh, now, come on, guys. You don't have to pull everything
apart. I said I'm fine, all right? Let's go.
[Martin exits.]
Niles: All that effort, all that expense... How many minutes of joy
did it buy?
[Frasier raises his foot, horse-style, and stamps the ground once, twice,
three times. They exit.]
[Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
The lights are off as the brothers enter later that night. As they
switch on the lights, the television and speakers are revealed. The
speakers are arranged, circumferencing Martin's chair.]
Frasier: Oh dear God! It's Stonehenge!
Niles: Well, I hope it'll at least cheer dad up. The party
certainly didn't.
Frasier: God, I know. Not even when Sherry sang that little ditty
she'd composed; "You Can Cop A Feel If I Can Feel A Cop"!
Brandy, Niles?
Niles: Please.
[Frasier pours.]
Niles: I tried to draw Dad out of the party, he just shot me right
down.
Frasier: Well, you know how he is. Gets himself into these moods, he
just retreats.
Niles: It's just so damn frustrating. How many wonders if that
isn't why we go so insane every year, trying to find the
perfect gift, as if somehow finding the right present will
magically change everything.
Frasier: The thought occurred to me too.
Niles: You didn't mention it.
Frasier: It occurred to me.
Niles: So you say.
Frasier: Well, it... stop it!
[Sherry enters.]
Sherry: Hiya, boys. [notices television and gasps] Wow! She's a
beaut! Oh, Marty and I are going to be spending a lot more
time over here! [hangs up coat]
Frasier: [to Niles] It's the gift that keeps on giving!
Sherry: Well, where's your dad?
Frasier: He said he was coming home with you.
Sherry: Well, he told me that he was coming home with you.
Niles: Why would he do that?
Sherry: He was a little down at the party. Maybe he just wanted to
go for a walk.
Frasier: I'm sure he's all right. He'll be back soon.
Niles: Still, it is rather late. I'll just go and look for him.
[heads to door]
Frasier: Oh, suit yourself, Niles. I think you're fretting
needlessly.
Sherry: [takes remote] Come on, let's fire this baby up. Do you like
the Nashville Network?
Frasier: Oh, who am I kidding?! I'm worried sick!
[Frasier and Niles exit as Sherry sits down with the remote.]
[Scene Four - Horse Stables.
Martin is feeding Agides as the boys enter quietly.]
Martin: Here you go. Hey, no offense, but your teeth look like hell!
I gotta tell you, the rest of you's not looking that much
better either. Do you want me to give you a little rubdown,
huh? [he uses the brush] Ah, that takes me back. Of course,
your coat was a lot shinier in those days. Hell, so was mine.
[laughs] We were something, weren't we Agides, huh? Riding
crowd control. People'd just step aside to let us pass. Now,
they're putting you out to pasture and I'm riding the buses.
It's fun getting old, isn't it?! Hey, this is a nice place
here, you know. I bet you're really going to like it here.
[A horse near the entrance begins to lick Niles's face. He makes some
noise whilst trying to stop him, however Frasier quiets him.]
Martin: And you know, if you don't like it here, then we'll do what
we said we would. We'll just go to Montana, start a ranch.
[the boys are shocked] You know, we still got all that money
we took from those drug dealers buried in the old box
canyon.
Frasier: [realises] All right, dad, we know you know we're here.
Martin: Well, why don't you get the hell out of here?
Niles: Dad...
Martin: Look, I just want to be alone with him, is that all right
with you?
Frasier: All right, fine, we'll see you later. [starts to exit, then]
You know, it is a little troubling that you feel more
comfortable talking to your horse than you do to your sons.
Niles: Actually, we might be able to help you with what you're
going through; the ageing process...
Martin: Now, come on, now, stop it. You see, this is the problem.
I know everything you're going to say. First of all, you'll
start talking about sixty-five as being some sort of
passage. And then you'll start spouting these theories and
quoting Freud and who knows what else until by the time you
get through analysing me, I'm going to be sixty-six! Look,
when I tell Agides something, you know what he does?
Nothing. He just listens to me.
Niles: We listen.
Frasier: That's my slogan; "I'm Listening." You know, dad, listening
is the foundation...
[Niles and Frasier start rabbiting on about the usefulness of
listening without putting their theory into practice. Martin glances
at them.]
Frasier: Right.
Niles: Shush.
Frasier: Shush!
Martin: When I saw Agides today, it was kinda of a shock to see how
old he's gotten and I just... It made me realise how old
I've gotten.
Frasier: Dad, you still have a lot of...
Martin: Now, come on...
Frasier: Sorry, sorry.
Martin: Look, it's not a problem you can solve, Frasier. It's just
a fact of life. People get old.
Niles: Well, I guess this horse wasn't quite the banner gift I
thought it would be.
Martin: Oh, yes, it was, Niles. I'm feeling a little bit sorry for
myself right now, but I'll get over that. But I love this
horse, it's the greatest present I've ever gotten.
[Niles notices Frasier beginning to writhe in envy again.]
Niles: Well, I'm glad, dad, but, you know, I think I may have
misled you. The horse is from me and from Frasier.
[Frasier is moved by this.]
Martin: Oh, Jeez, I'm sorry. Thanks a lot, Fras'.
Frasier: Well, actually, it was mostly Niles's idea.
Martin: Well, then, thanks to both of you.
[The three Crane man are happy.]
Martin: It's just great. Well, come on, we ought to get going.
Let's get a move on. [to Agides] See ya, buddy. [exits]
Frasier: Niles, what a generous gesture. How can I ever thank you?
Niles: Well... [takes out his mobile] by calling your super and
getting rid of that monstrosity in your apartment!
I do visit from time to time, you know.
[Niles dials a number on his mobile and hands it to Frasier.]
[End of Act Two]
Credits:
That evening, the corridor outside Frasier's apartment contains all
the speakers and the big screen TV. The elevator doors open as
Frasier and Niles drag Martin off whilst he wears the blindfold. They
guide him past the eyesores and into the apartment where a worker is
removing the final speakers. They get Martin to the table, take off
his blindfold and show him his cake. Daphne and Sherry divert his
attention whilst Frasier throws the remote to a worker as he closes
the door on the present.
Guest Appearances
Special Guest Star
MARSHA MASON as Sherry
Thanks To...
Transcript written by NICHOLAS HARTLEY
Transcript revised by MIKE LEE
Edited by NICHOLAS HARTLEY
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by "The Frasier Files".
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.