[1.21]Travels With Martin
Travels With Martin Written by Linda Morris
& Vic Rauseo
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.21.
Episode Number In Production Order: 23
Filmed on:
Original Airdate on NBC: 14th April 1994
Transcript written on 17th February 1999
Transcript revised on 10th March 2003
John Mahoney Introduces...
During the week of October 5 - 9, 1998, Paramount's Comedy Channel aired
the five episodes picked by the Frasier cast as their personal favorites,
with a one-minute introduction to each episode by that cast member.
John Mahoney: [1.21] Travels With Martin
David Hyde Pierce: [1.22] Author, Author
Jane Leeves: [2.17] Daphne's Room (a.k.a. A Room With a View)
Kelsey Grammer: [4.08] Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven
Peri Gilpin: [5.21] Roz and the Schnoz
Transcript {abby fletcher}
Act One.
Scene One - KACL
Frasier and Roz are in Frasier's booth. Roz is sorting some carts,
while Frasier opens his mail.
Frasier: Oh look, Roz, Roz, my brochures are here! Oh, god, very
exciting! Vacation!
Roz takes one of the brochures from Frasier.
Roz: Wow! The Golden Door Spa!
Frasier: Ooh, yes!
Roz: Look at those accommodations! That is nice!
She gives the leaflet to Frasier.
Frasier: I plan to leave Dad and Eddie to fend for themselves while I
go off and spend an obscene amount of money being pampered
like a spoiled child. I know it's self-indulgent, but what
else are vacations for? By the way, what are you doing for
your week off?
Roz: Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the sod house
where her mother was born.
Frasier: Why don't you just write the words "bad son" on my
forehead!
Roz: Listen, there is nothing wrong with pampering yourself on
your vacation. After all, you do work three hours a day.
Frasier stands up, annoyed, turns his back on her, and begins to
sort through his brochures on the side bench of the studio.
Roz: I'm sorry. That one even surprised me!
She walks into the adjoining producer's suite.
Frasier follows her through.
Frasier: You know, it's just that when I think of the relationship I
have with my dad I can't help but envy the relationship you
have with your mother.
Roz: Well, it didn't just happen. We work at it, spend time
together...
Frasier: Roz, are you forgetting that my father lives with me? How
much more time together could we spend!
Roz: Day to day living is different. You know, there is nothing
better than taking a trip together. You get to have a little
fun, you get to relax... you get to see a whole different side
to the other person.
Frasier: You know, in his entire life, my dad has never been to
Europe. It would be a way of connecting with him if I were
the one to give him that. [looks questioningly at Roz] So,
what would you charge me to take him to Ireland with you?
Roz looks at him with a wry smile on her face and shakes her head.
FADE OUT
Scene Two — Frasier's Apartment
Fade back in. Niles is sitting with his face down on the table as
Daphne massages his back. Martin is sitting in his chair with the
paper in one hand, and is stroking Eddie with the other.
Niles: [moaning with pleasure:] Ahh... I should have known this
would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift
Maris's luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles: Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers
with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped
it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the
upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft
and supple.
Daphne lifts him to sit up straight, puts her arm around his neck
and proceeds to massage his back with the fist of her right hand.
Daphne: Where did Mrs. Crane go, anyway?
Niles gives more moans of pleasure, and Martin looks round at him
in amusement.
Niles: She's making her annual pilgrimage to the holy land.
Martin: I thought she was going to Dallas to visit her sister.
Niles: That is her holy land. It's the site of the first Nieman-
Marcus.
Martin turns back to his paper, shaking his head. Niles produces
more moans of ecstasy. Frasier enters the apartment, carrying his
briefcase.
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane...
Niles: [still moaning] Oh, call me Niles!
Frasier casts his usual look of disapproval and disappointment in
Niles's direction, and Niles, noticing him, stands up.
Niles: Thank you, Daphne.
Frasier: Dad, I've had an idea and I hope you're as excited about it
as I am. [opens his briefcase and takes out the holiday
brochures] I want to take you on vacation!
Martin: [suspicious] Why?
Frasier: Well, I thought an adventure might do us good, give us a
chance to have some fun, maybe get reacquainted, even do a
little bonding.
Martin: What'd you have in mind?
Frasier: Well, this isn't about where I want to go, this is about
where you want to go.
Frasier fans out the leaflets and lays them on the table by his
father in an extravagant gesture.
Frasier: Dad, I give you the world!
Martin: [reading one] The Galy-pay-gos islands, huh? "Where iguanas,
sea-lions and giant tortoises live in eternal harmony."
[to Frasier] Is it important they get along?
Frasier: No, I suppose not.
Niles has also been looking through the leaflets.
Niles: Oh, how about this! India and Nepal! Trek the foothills of
the Himalayas!
Martin: [tapping his cane] I think you're forgetting about my old pal
here.
Niles: No problem. Frasier can just hire a really tough little
Sherpa to carry you on his back.
Martin looks at him stupidly.
Niles: They don't mind.
Frasier: Well, we obviously haven't struck the right chord yet, but we
will, we will. Dad, why don't you just suggest something?
Martin: You really want to go on a trip with me?
Frasier: Yes I do! I'll go anywhere you want to! Anywhere!
Martin: Okay. Well, maybe I'm not as sophisticated as you, but I
think I should see America first!
Frasier: Great! We're Americans, we should see America!
Martin: And I want to see it in a Winnebago!
Frasier stands up in horror, but with feigned enthusiasm.
Frasier: A Winnebago! Hot damn, that has a real ring to it!
He crosses to pour a drink.
Martin: Yeah! It's something your mother and I always dreamed about
doing when I retired.
Frasier: Then that is exactly the trip we are going to take!
Martin: You really mean it?
Frasier: Absolutely!
Daphne: This calls for a celebration!
Daphne exits to kitchen, Frasier crosses to fire place and Martin also
exits towards the kitchen.
Martin: Yeah, let's pop open a couple of beers! I think I've got a
bag of pork rinds in here too!
Frasier: Oh, the final touch! I almost feel like I'm in a trailer park
already!
He hangs his head in horror, leaning on the mantelpiece in despair.
Niles crosses the room towards him.
Niles: [mockingly] Oh, Winnebago Boy? Make sure to hang a lot of
beach chairs on the back and give it a really cute name
like... "The Whoopin' Cranes!"
He dissolves into laughter.
Frasier: Oh, Niles. When I agreed to see America with Dad I thought
we'd be staying in five-star resorts! When I said together
I meant adjoining suites!
Niles: Just tell him you think it's a bad idea.
Frasier: I can't do that, he's counting on this trip too much. It was
his dream, he was going to go on this trip with Mom.
Niles: Yeah, but she lucked out and died! [laughs]
Frasier pulls Niles to the corner of the apartment to be sure they
can't be heard from the kitchen.
Frasier: [in desperation] Niles listen, listen. If Dad and I get into
a Winnebago together only one of us will come out alive.
You've got to come with us!
Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone
marrow and one of my kidneys, but THIS is an imposition!
Cut to Martin and Daphne in the kitchen. Daphne is chopping cheese,
and Martin sits opposite her.
Martin: You've got to come with us!
Daphne: Why?
Martin: Well, Frasier and I don't have anything to talk about!
I always feel more comfortable when there's someone else
around, or the TV's blaring.
Daphne: Then why did you suggest it?
Martin: Well, it sounded like a good idea when it came out of my
mouth, but the more I think about it... I mean, can you
really see me and Frasier together all day and then crawling
into our bunks at Night, lying head to head... bonding?
[shivers] Eew! I'll pay you! I've got pension money!
Cut back to Niles and Frasier.
Frasier: I remember a car trip we took when I was nine? We drove from
Seattle to Spokane. The only thing he said to me was, "I
think we've got a problem with your brother Frasier."
Niles: Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad
insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day.
The two of us tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our
car sickness bags... straining to see something out of the
window as the landscape whizzed by... I was thirteen before
I realized cows aren't blurry!
Cut to Martin and Daphne.
Daphne: Why don't you just tell him you don't want to go?
Martin: Oh, you heard how he wants to go. I don't want to disappoint
him!
Cut to Niles and Frasier.
Frasier: I don't want to disappoint him!!
Niles: I'm sorry Frasier, I am not a Winnebago person.
He begins to cross to refill his drink.
Niles: Whenever I see one on the highway I look into the driver's
eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's
name he would ever want to do something like this! All I see
is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller
Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm-not-going.
Martin and Daphne re-enter. Daphne is carrying some cheese chunks on a
plate.
Martin: Hey, great news, Daphne's coming too!
Niles: And so am I!
He eats a cheese chunk.
FADE TO:
THE WHOOPIN' CRANES
Scene Three — A Winnebago.
The Crane clan, plus Daphne, are traveling along in their rented
Winnebago. The north-western American countryside is visible out
of the rear window. Frasier is driving, and Martin is in the
passenger seat videotaping the view. Daphne is sitting behind them.
Niles appears to be absent from the scene.
Martin: It's everything I'd hoped it'd be, only better! It's like
sitting in your own living room watching TV! Only it isn't
TV, it's America!
Frasier: Yes Dad, it's the ultimate in virtual reality programming -
actual reality.
Martin: [Looking at map] Okay, we've got a turn-off coming up in about
five miles, so start slowing down.
Frasier: Righto, Dad.
Daphne: How does it feel behind that wheel, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Manly! This is mine, and it's big!
There is a flushing sound, and Niles appears from the back of the
vehicle.
Niles: Oh my God! It's like being sealed upright in a Formica
coffin!
Martin: Remember the old days, Niles? [to Daphne] When they were kids,
all they had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar.
Frasier: Yes, it took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at
seventy miles per hour! Never really been fond of mayonnaise
since...
Niles: Or speed bumps.
Martin: Okay, turnoff's coming up now, we're about four miles away,
get ready, it's coming up! Alright, you're okay on the right!
It's never to early to move over!
Frasier: You know, Dad, I was wondering. What inspired you to choose
that uniquely American man-made wonder, Mount Rushmore?
Martin: Well, we've got a week off, right? That's as far as we can
go in three and a half days and still make it back. We get
there, get out, walk around the Valley of the Presidents,
drive back, boom! Another fine landmark under our belts!
Daphne: Well, you've certainly got this trip well-planned, Mr. Crane!
Whenever I take a holiday I just grab a fresh pair of
knickers and see where the wind takes me!
At this comment Niles proceeds to look back at Daphne's backside.
Frasier: [noticing] Niles... Niles!
Frasier then pulls hard right on the steering wheel making the vehicle
swerve sharply left. Everyone else remains in the same place but
Niles, caught off balance, crashes left into some overhead cupboards,
right into a chair behind Daphne and then falls spectacularly onto the
floor whilst clutching at the kitchen sideboard. He quickly attempts
to retake his place behind Frasier, before Daphne and Martin notice.
Unsuccessfully. Martin looks strangely at Niles, not realising
why Frasier swerved, then looks curiously at Frasier as if to say,
"What the hell was that!" Frasier, however, drives on happily with
a large smile on his face.
Frasier: You know, what Daphne is saying is what we should really be
doing!
Martin: What are you talking about?
Frasier: Well, you know, why should we be so beholden to maps and
schedules? We should roam! America has always been
enchanted with the romance of the open highway. Jack
Kerouac went "on the road," Buzz and Todd got their
"kicks on Route 66!" The adventure is in the journey!
We should just ramble!
Niles: Good golly, I'm inspired. I'm going to put on a baseball
cap.
He proceeds to put on a cap, backwards.
Martin: Frasier watch it, you're going to miss the turn off!!
Frasier: So?
Martin: We'll get lost!
Frasier: Lost from where? We're in a house on wheels! Wherever we go,
we're home!
Martin: No! It's coming up! [tugging at Frasier's arm] It's coming
up! Alright, turn here! [frantically] This is it! Turn!
Turn here...! We missed it!!
Daphne and Niles look on in amusement.
Frasier: Dad, we didn't miss anything!
Martin: [horrified] Oh my God!
Frasier: We are now on the road less traveled. From now on there is
a new order! We dance to the rhythm of the road.
Martin: [panicking] Alright, now don't panic! There's got to be an
access road leading back onto that turn off...
He proceeds to hunt around the map, frantically.]
Martin: Where is it? Where is it! [finds it] Oh, it's always in the
crack!
Frasier: So is life, Dad.
End Of Act One (Time: 10:23)
Act Two.
Scene One - Winnebago
Fade in. Several hours have elapsed, and Martin is now driving.
Niles and Frasier stand behind the two front seats, for Eddie is
sitting in the front passenger chair.
Martin: I've got to say, I was pretty anxious, but I'm starting to
like this free spirit stuff!
Frasier: [pointing out of window] Oh Dad, Dad look! There's a
historical marker up ahead! Let's stop! Let's go see it,
huh?
Martin: Yes, just driving wherever you feel like it...
Niles: It's educational Dad, there! There! There! There! There!
Dad!
The Crane boys are pointing excitedly, but Martin drives right past.
Niles and Frasier follow it as it whizzes by, and then turn back to
the front disappointedly.
Niles: What did it say?
Frasier: I don't know. The only word I saw was "Legendary."
Niles: [spotting another attraction on the other side of the road]
Oh, oh look, a roadside stand! Fresh fruit, homemade apple
cider! Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad...
Both: Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, DAD!
Martin once again drives right by and the boys turn to look at the
stand as it whizzes by. Once again they turn back disappointedly,
and Niles punches the back of Martins chair lightly.
Frasier: Look Dad, you seem to be missing the freewheeling concept.
He tries to sit down but Eddie is in the chair. He sits down
anyway and Eddie is squashed to the side of the chair, then
sits on Frasier's knee.
Niles picks up the camcorder and begins to film the view out of the
front of the van.
Frasier: We're supposed to go where the wind blows us, for god's sakes!
Martin: It's blowing, we're going, why are you moaning?
Frasier: [angrily] What is this obsession you have with covering a
certain distance?
Martin: It's just the way I relax!
A car drives past, horn blaring. Martin leans out of the window to shout at it.
Martin: Hey, watch it! I've got my kids in the car!
As he has been shouting he has veered to the left. He straightens out
quickly by swerving to the right, sending Niles once again crashing
into the overhead lockers. Niles reels back, stunned.
Frasier: What you call relaxing seems like a man with an obsession to
me! Don't you think so, Niles?
He turns to Niles, who has started to videotape Daphne, who is
sleeping.
Frasier: Niles! What are you doing?!
Niles: I'm making a vacation video, something that we can look at
years from now, over and over and over and over again...
Frasier stands up and takes the camera from him.
Frasier: Just give me that!
Martin: Okay, you guys want to stop so bad, we'll stop. See that sign
over there?
Niles: "Have your photo taken with a live grizzly bear - Marvella's
souvenirs and gifts - one mile."
Martin: Yeah! I always wanted to have my picture taken with a bear!
Frasier: Well, some dreams cannot be denied! [looking into the
passenger side view mirror] Okay dad, alright, you're good
here, you're good on my side, dad. Alright, just go ahead,
ease it right over, it's never to early to change lanes...
[realising what he is saying] Oh my God, it must be genetic.
FADE TO:
Scene Two - inside Marvella's souvenirs and gifts.
The Frasier gang enter, and Eddie starts to bark at a full-size,
stuffed grizzly bear propped up in front of a painted view of a
mountain surrounded by trees. The rest of the store is full of
various souvenirs and junk items. There is a woman standing
behind a counter.
Marvella: Get your dog away from my bear! I just had him cleaned!
Daphne: He's stuffed!
Frasier: You know, your sign said "a live bear."
Marvella: It's an old sign.
Martin: [looking at picture behind bear] Would you look at that view!
It's like we're really there!
Frasier: Yes, but if we were actually there dad, we'd be whizzing past
at fifty miles per hour!
Niles: Oh Frasier, look! It's the gourmet food department!
Frasier: Oh! Homemade deer jerky!
Niles: [reading notice with a sarcastic laugh] No sampling...
Frasier: No problem!
Martin and Daphne are standing in front of the bear.
Martin: Okay! [to lady] Excuse me! Would you take our picture,
please? Niles, Frasier, come on up here! Okay, everybody,
alright, here we go! Everybody ready? Now, what should we
do?
Frasier: Well, how about this? [he puts his hands up and opens his
mouth wide as if he's scared of the bear]
Martin: Yeah! That's great, I like that! Okay, everybody! Eddie?
Marvella: Now, before I take it, you know it's ten dollars Canadian.
Frasier: Oh, for a treasured memory like this, what's money?
Everyone puts on their "scared" faces.
Marvella: Okay, one...
Daphne: Why would she want Canadian dollars?
Marvella: Two...
Martin: Because we're in Canada.
Marvella: Three!
On "three," Daphne screams loudly as Marvella takes the picture.
Everybody looks at her as she steps forward off the photo platform.
Daphne: We're in Canada?!
Martin: Yeah, we crossed the border a while ago, when you were
taking a nap.
Daphne: But we can't be in Canada! I'm not allowed to leave the
United States!
Frasier: Why?
Daphne: Because I don't have my green card yet! Oh, this is just
perfect! Three months until my final interview, the one
thing they told me not to do was to leave the country! And
what do you do? Wait until the first time I fall asleep and
drag me across the bleeding border! They're never going to
let me back in!
Niles: They have to take you back, it's not your fault. [He
crosses to comfort her]
Frasier: [to Martin] This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so
hell-bent on getting so many miles under your belt today!
Martin: Well, you're the one who had to go where the wind blows!
Martin and Frasier proceed to yell at each other loudly and angrily.
Niles attempts to butt in to calm them down but can't find an
appropriate break in the argument to make himself heard. Daphne
grabs a duck call and blows it loudly to grab their attention,
near-deafening Niles in the process.
Daphne: Never mind whose fault it is, I'm stuck here! What am I
going to do?
Niles: We'll just go to the authorities and explain. I'm sure
mishaps like this happen all the time.
Martin: Oh, get real Niles, they've got the rules!
Frasier: Oh, then what's your solution dad?
Martin: Just sneak her back across the border.
Niles: That's called smuggling!
Martin: [very sarcastically] Oh, thanks Niles. I knew it was
something bad guys did, I just didn't know the technical
term!
Frasier: Dad, I can't believe that you of all people, a former
policeman, are actually suggesting that we commit a felony!
Martin: Oh, I cross this border plenty! Ninety-nine times out of a
hundred the guards just peek in the door and wave you through.
It's no big deal. Now let's get out of here!
Niles: Well, what if they pull us over?
Martin: Then Daphne's just got to convince them that she's an
American.
Daphne: Bloody right! It beats having me bum bounced back across the
pond! Let's give it a bash.
The others exit and Frasier is left holding the door.
Frasier: Oh, yes. This is foolproof...
Frasier exits.
FADE TO:
THE HOLE IN THE HEAD GANG
Scene Three — The Winnebago
Back in the motor home, heading for the border. Frasier is driving,
Niles and Daphne are sitting at the table. Martin is pacing up
and down the van.
Niles: I'm about to defraud the United States Immigration
Department. Not just me, my father and my older brother.
People who should be role models for me. It's not my fault;
I'm the product of a bad environment.
Martin: [to Daphne] Now listen, on the off chance that the guard asks
you a question, can you say anything in an American accent?
Daphne: [in a poor imitation of a U.S. accent] Sure.
Martin: Okay, what?
Daphne: You just heard it!
Martin: What?
Daphne: [repeating the accent] "Sure." That's it, that's all I can
say! [Martin looks horrified] Oh, I need a cup of tea!
Frasier: TEA! Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air and start
singing, "God save the Queen"!!
Niles: Don't you snap at her, Frasier, you're a psychiatrist. You
should be in better control of your emotions. [panicking] Oh
my God, there's the border! I can see the line of cars!
Martin: Alright, now everybody calm down, we're going to be fine.
Just remember that they'll be looking for suspicious behavior.
[Niles is rocking back and forth with his head resting on his
arm.] Niles, that qualifies! Alright, now if the guard pokes
his head in here, what did we say he's going to see?
All: Four carefree Americans.
Daphne: I've never been so nervous.
Frasier: I don't think there's any need to be. They're waving
everyone through... they're not even asking any questions!
Niles: Oh, please, please, please!
Frasier: They're waving us through... they're waving us through...
they're pulling us over... they're pulling us over!
The gang look mortified. Niles resumes rocking back and forwards.
FADE TO:
CHECKPOINT CHARLIE
Scene Four — Winnebago.
The van has stopped, and the guard is approaching.
Martin: Here comes the guard.
Daphne: I can't do this.
Martin: Now everything's going to be fine, don't worry. Just remember
to keep your answers short. People who have something to hide
always talk too much.
Guard enters.
Guard: Hi, folks.
Martin: Hi, there!
Guard: Have a good time in Canada?
Martin: Oh, great!
Frasier: Canada, wow!
Guard: [to Niles] What was the purpose of your trip to Canada, sir?
After a long pause and a look at Martin, he answers deadpan:
Niles: Fun.
Guard: [after an equally long pause] I see. [to Frasier] And where
were you born, Sir?
Frasier: Seattle, Washington. Oh, you want to know what country?
Oh, well, America! Of course! I'm quite an American really,
I vote all the time, and always for the law and order guy!
I...
Guard: That's fine, sir, I don't need any more details. [To Daphne]
And you, Miss? Did you enjoy Canada?
Daphne: [In her ever-so-convincing accent] Sure!
Guard: And the weather?
Daphne: Sure, sure!
Guard: [To Frasier] Is this your vehicle Sir?
Frasier: Oh, no. Yes, yes! Well, I rented it! It's American-made,
you see, I always look for that union label...
Guard: I just need your license and registration.
Frasier: Oh, right, uh, it's right here in this little side pocket.
There's the registration. Let me get my license out for
you... oh, yes, here we are!
Guard: Stay right here.
The Guard exits to check the documents.
Martin: [sarcastically] Well, I can certainly depend on my gang, can't
I?
Niles: [standing] That's it. I'm going to be arrested!
He sits in the passenger seat.
Daphne: We're all getting arrested!
She crosses to sit where Niles was, by the door.
Niles: Yes, but I have delicate features. Prison will be hell for
me!
Martin: Cool it, Niles.
Daphne: It's too late to turn back! I say we make a run for it.
Frasier: Oh yes, great idea! A high-speed chase in an eight-ton motor
home! It'll make an amusing anecdote for the border guard
newsletter!
Martin: Now will everybody just shut up? You keep babbling like this
they're going to catch us for sure! [looks out of window]
He's coming back!
The guard enters.
Guard: Well, these check out.
All: Well, glad to hear that...
Frasier: All strictly on the up and up...
Daphne has her head turned from the guard. He looks at her suspiciously.
Guard: Miss, you've been very quiet. Is there something I should
know here?
Daphne says nothing but smiles and shakes her head.
Guard: You seem awfully nervous. May I have your name, please?
Daphne looks mortified. She looks at Martin for help.
Martin: Oh, alright. I guess I should have known better than to try
something like this
Niles: [standing] Dad, don't!
Frasier: It was just a mistake!
Guard: [to Niles and Frasier] You men just want to back off? [to
Martin] What is it you want to say, sir?
Martin: We were trying to pull one over on you. Eddie?
Eddie jumps into his lap.
Martin: We don't have a rabies certificate for the dog.
Guard: I knew something was going on here.
The Guard crosses to check the rest of the van, then stands by Martin.
Martin: Yeah, well you see, we weren't planning on coming here, and
when we got to the border we just forgot all about it.
Niles: I for one, didn't even know that you needed one.
Frasier: Yes, but ignorance of the law is no defense so take the
little dog away and we'll be off!
Martin: [casting Frasier a very evil look] Look, this is my fault.
If you're worried that we picked the dog up here in Canada,
well we didn't. I mean I've got a picture I can show you.
Here's a picture of him taken at the Seattle Space Needle.
He shows the guard a wallet photo of Eddie. Martin's old police badge
is still in the wallet, and he makes it quite obvious to the guard.
Guard: I see you've got a badge there.
Martin: [with mock surprise] Oh, yeah!
Guard: Are you a policeman?
Martin: Retired. Thirty years on the Seattle police force. Me of all
people should know better, huh?
Frasier: Absolutely.
Niles: Definitely.
Daphne: [still with accent] Sure.
Guard: Next time remember the rabies certificate. Have a safe trip
home.
Martin: Thanks, officer.
Frasier: Thank you.
The Guard exits. They all break into individual victory dances.
Martin: Drive!
They all remember themselves and turn to carry on their journey.
FADE TO:
Scene Five - Winnebago
Fade in. Night has fallen, and Niles and Daphne are asleep. Martin is
driving, and Frasier comes to sit next to him in the passenger seat.
Eddie barks at him as he walks by.
Frasier: [to Eddie] They would have returned you eventually! So dad,
how long 'til we get home?
Martin: About two hours. This highway goes right into Seattle.
Why don't you lean back, take a little nap?
Frasier: Oh no, I'm okay. I though maybe we'd chat a little bit.
Martin: Oh yeah, great!
There is an awkward, long, silence.
Martin: You know Frasier, I just can't help it. When we're alone
together I just don't know what the hell to say. I'm sure
you figured out that's why I asked Daphne to come along.
Frasier: Well, I had my suspicions but I hoped that wasn't the case.
Martin: Oh, knock it off. That's why you asked Niles to come along
too.
Frasier: That's why I asked him, but that's not why he came.
They both laugh.
Martin: You know, the funny thing, we didn't have such a bad time,
did we? [they both laugh again]
Frasier: [imitating guard and Martin] "I see you've got a badge there..."
"Oh, yeah!"
They laugh again. Frasier picks up the map and starts to examine it.
Frasier: You know dad, there's no reason for us to cut our trip short.
According to this map we're not that far from Yellowstone.
Martin: Oh, I always wanted to see Old Faithful!
Frasier: Me, too!
Martin: If you wanted a real adventure we could drop these two
sleeping beauties off at home first.
Frasier: You mean it? Just the two of us alone?
Martin: Yeah!
Frasier: Just you and me, father and son!
Martin: Yeah! You and me, camping out in Yellowstone, all alone!
Frasier: All by ourselves!
The excitement goes out of their faces as the reality of this situation
dawns on them. There is another awkward silence.
Martin: Well, you know, it'd be an awful shame if Daphne didn't get
to see those Indian paint pots...
Frasier: Yes, of course.
Martin: They are a real miracle of nature.
Frasier: Yeah. Wouldn't be fair to leave Niles just to ramble around
that old house all by himself.
Martin: Maris out of town? That'd be cruel.
Frasier: Yeah, absolutely. So, how long do you figure it'll take us to
get to Yellowstone?
Martin: Well, if we drive all night we'll be there tomorrow.
Frasier: It'll be a nice surprise for the two of them when they wake
up in the morning.
Martin: I've got a better surprise than that: let's tell Daphne we're
in Mexico!
Martin and Frasier burst into devilish laughter.
End Of Act Two. (Time 22:20)
Credits:
The Camcorder, supposedly held by Niles, is being used to film a
sleeping Daphne. However she wakes up and is shocked. The view
then pans round to the left to reveal a very disapproving Frasier
looking right into the camera.
Guest Appearances
Guest Starring
DON AMENDOLIA as Guard
PAMELA GORDEN as Marvella
Thanks to...
Written by ABBY FLETCHER
Edited by NICK HARTLEY
Revised by MICHAEL LEE
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley and
Abby Fletcher. This episode summary remains property of
Frasier, Copyright of Paramount Pictures, Grub St and NBC.
Printed without permission.